So Long, Farewell, I’m Thrilled to Say Goodbye (to 2019).

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It is currently evening on New Year’s Eve, and as I schlep sit here on the couch in my comfy clothes with a nice glass of red and Puppy by my side (can you say ‘party animal’?!), I can’t help but feel extremely grateful to be seeing the tail end of 2019.

Although I’m not usually one to classify an entire year as being either all-good or all-bad, I must say that the vast majority of 2019 has consisted of the latter. Hence, a big portion of my blogging absence this year, a problem which I plan to remedy in 2020.

For starters, I hope to take this blog in a new direction in the coming year, including moving it to a different URL. While it may have started nearly five years ago (what?! *gulp*) as an infertility blog, I feel strongly that that chapter in my life is closing. However, I still want to blog: about what exactly remains to be seen or to reveal itself.

To be perfectly honest, I’ve become disingenuous on my blog and for that I apologize. Truth be told, the whole infertility aspect of my life has begun to take a major backseat. I still follow other IF bloggers and have made some lovely Instagram friends via infertility and childless-not-by-choice tags, but I feel myself moving away the tenacious grip that failure to procreate has had on me.

One example of this dis-ingenuity? My marriage has had a horrible year in 2019. Like, in-the-gutter-type horrible. I’ll not expound on details here, but it’s been kind of hard to bemoan my childless state in 2019 when, throughout the first three quarters of the year, I worried strongly that I’d even have a husband with whom to try to procreate. Other examples include financial hardships, Jake’s unemployment for the majority of the year, us having purchased what was definitely the wrong home in the end of 2018, and a general loneliness and disconnect that has seemed to plague me for some time now. Oh yes, and that most recent miscarriage in the end of the summer… That was a hurt with which I still haven’t really dealt, as in the scheme of things this years it’s gotten lost in the shuffle. That sounds horrible, but in the name of being honest, let’s call things for what they have been. Sometimes it’s all we can do just to survive.

Lately life has taken turns for the better, albeit in baby steps. The pieces are fitting back together, and I’m trying very hard to be patient in that because I know no one’s life pieces ever fit perfectly.

Now, with all that depressing business out of the way, I have big plans for 2020! Although it’s a sure bet that I won’t be reinventing myself in the span of the next six hours and emerging as an entirely different person, I am gratefully anticipating the new year and new decade. Change—even the prospect of it—can be so refreshing.

For all those reading this who may have also had a difficult year, I emphasize and sit with you in the pain, even if your difficult circumstances were not something I directly experienced. And for those of you reading this who have had an excellent year overall, I pray nothing but the same, and better, for you in the coming year.

Cheers to 2020!

Peace. ❤

 

Reinvigorated

A strange thing has happened: after our most recent loss, and despite its disappointment, Jake has been the one to step up the game of what seemed to be our rapidly-ending TTC sojourn.

Throughout all these years of TTC Jake has, of course, also wanted for us to have a child.  He was a good sport, too: he was game about letting me change his shaving cream, deodorant, shampoo because of scary chemicals; he stopped putting the laptop directly on his lap and thereby causing his swimmers harm; he never gave me a hard time about spending a small fortune replacing every “unhealthy” item in our home with its TTC-friendly counterpart (of which there were many).  He often accompanied me to doctor’s appointments.  He administered all my IVF medications (perk of having a husband who’s also a nurse!).  He was there for me emotionally throughout everything.  Despite all of these things though, I still felt like something was missing on his end.

Throughout our sojourn, I’ve always sensed a slight distance from Jake about TTC stuff.  I don’t mean he was outright disinterested—more like the heavy lifting was up to me.  I didn’t resent him this, but I did feel a bit lonely in my TTC endeavor.  Sometimes I felt as if Jake was just humoring me by going along with my ideas/requests/suggestions (okay, demands) to improve our chances of conception.  Even after our second and third miscarriages, these nagging feelings lingered.  This past year as I’ve begun embarking on the process of accepting childlessness, Jake didn’t resist as much as I’d (secretly) hoped he would.

But now Jake is different.  Our most recent loss seems to have reinvigorated (or just straight up truly invigorated for the first time?) his desire to have a baby.  He has a newfound pep in his step about TTC. Example: the other day, I found him reading my copy of It Starts With The Egg.   He was all excited to add some new supplements to his diet to help with conception (his idea).  He wants us to buy a bigger house so we have room for a child.  Stuff like that.

I’m not complaining!  Not in the least.  I’m happily surprised by his change in perspective—I wasn’t expecting it.  Even though it didn’t last, Jake has been encouraged by the fact that I got pregnant all on my own last month… well, not all on my own ha!  That’s the first time a pregnancy has happened naturally for us since our first loss way back in 2002.  Seventeen years is a very long time to not get pregnant.  Not that we tried all seventeen of them…  But I digress.

Despite my inching toward accepting life as CNBC, Jake’s newfound enthusiasm is rubbing off on me.  I feel sad, yes, that we have experienced another loss, another “no,” another failure.  It hurts and isn’t fair and all that stuff.  And I’m still sticking my toes into the water of accepting life CNBC—that hasn’t magically ended because of a few weeks’ of his attitude change.  At the same time, I don’t feel nearly as alone in TTC as I’ve felt for a long time now.  Having a partner who’s equally (or more so!) invested makes a big difference in my level of determination and outlook.

I’ve made it no secret on this blog that my determination for TTC has been majorly on the decline for awhile now; as in, declining to the point of near-nonexistence.  But now, a glimmer.  A ray of sunlight in the storm.  A reinvigorated approach.  I thank God.

Miscarriage # 4

Well, I was wrong in my last post.  I was indeed pregnant after all.  I feel very foolish.  Early this morning I miscarried.

It was bad. I’d forgotten (which is probably a good thing…) just how physically painful miscarriage is.  Even the “chemical” miscarriages, a/k/a early losses.

I’m kind of stunned and in a weird place right now.  The fact that Jake and I got pregnant at all without intervention is pretty amazing.  But, still.  The ending doesn’t feel as incredible as the knowledge that we actually conceived.

Maybe I’ll write more about it later.  For now, I took a sick day from work and am staying in bed to ride this thing out.

Could be that we’re both just in shock.

Surreal.

Life Update

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It’s been five months since my last post.  I’ve been meaning to post here but, life.  Today I brushed the dust off this site and realized, “Crap! Almost half a year’s gone by!”  I may have broken a personal (non)blogging record by waiting so long.

Anyway, quickie update. I’m just gonna post the highlights, forget about editing it (I agonize over editing and end up erasing much of what I’d written), and go about my day.


Here’s the highlights:

TTC:  My eight-year foray into TTC Land is drawing to a painfully slow crawl.  For instance, I have become completely unreliable about using my fertility monitor and OPKs—some months I do, other months it feels like an exercise in futility.  I haven’t BBT temped in one year now and have no plans to return, either.

I sought out a new doc earlier this summer about my intermesntrual bleeding, ongoing ovary pain, ongoing infertility, blah blah blah.  As per usual, he was utterly unhelpful.  At the end of the appointment, he said, “I’ll see you next year.  Unless you get pregnant—then call me.”  I wanted to smack him.  I left the appointment feeling all of the usual deflated frustration that accompanies each fruitless medical visit I’ve been to.  I won’t be calling him again.  Ever.

Pregnancy: Today my period is four days late.  Maybe that has something to do with suddenly inspiring me to update here, some subconscious reaction?  Don’t get excited, people: I actually (foolishly?) took a pregnancy test this morning, which is something I never do.  It was just the one line.  I sat there on the toilet seat at 5:00 a.m. holding that single-lined sucker up to the light at every.possible.angle, but still it remained negative.  And the couple of times I fished the used test from the trashcan (because we all do that, no?) it was just as negative as the first time.

Today I’m reminded of why I never take HPTs and hate them so very, very much—I really dislike the feeling associated with negative pregnancy tests.  A lot.  It brings back some bad crap.   At least a period saves me from the feelings that HPTs arouse.

Why is my period four days late?  Who knows!  My cycles are normally predictable and regular to a fault.  Just one of those months, maybe?  Or maybe I’m getting near menopause?  Sometimes I think that might not be all bad…

 

Surgery:  I have decided not to plan any more surgeries for the time being.  I can’t seem to find a doctor worth his or her salt, so all future surgeries are on halt.  Also, I’m tired of having surgeries.  It seems that surgery has never done anything to alleviate my endometriosis symptoms, so why bother having it done?

 

Boobs:  This morning I had my third mammogram and boob ultrasound!  I woke up last Thanksgiving to horrific one-sided breast pain and it never left since.  I’ve had a slew of mammos and u/s since that time, and but all the docs ever find wrong with my mammaries are benign cysts.   Lots and lots and lots of benign cysts—seven at last count just in one boob alone! Two of them look “complex,” so the docs monitor me every six months to keep an eye on them.  The docs tells me that the cysts are most likely inflamed, which probably accounts for the pain.

It goes without saying that I am grateful for this report.  “Only” boob cysts are good(ish) news!  At the same time, it’s also extremely frustrating, because breast cysts are so random and elusive: No one seems to know why they happen, when they happen, why they only happen to some women, why they sometimes hurt and sometimes don’t, why they get inflamed, and whether they will go away and/or come back.

The doc offered to aspirate the cysts at my next follow up, which is basically all they can do for breast cysts.  Aspiration does nothing to prevent the cysts from returning/filling back up with fluid.  I think I’ll pass on that one.

Also, side note: boob smooshing hurts.   So does cyst smooshing.  Being a woman is often a painful endeavor.

Childlessness:  The doozy of all updates!  Jake and I are hanging out in some kind of no-man’s land of fertility.  Most months, we try for a baby; each month, we fail.  But it’s become a kind of “expected” fail.  Don’t get me wrong, the accompanying disappointment of failure is always real each month, but it’s briefer and less intense.

We are moving on in our own way and accepting our life as Childless Not By Choice.  It’s not all bad.  I’ve been reading books on the subject, which definitely help me to feel less alone.


Whelp, that about does it.  This is perhaps one of my most boring posts to date, so kudos to you if you’re still here reading it!  I’ll try not to let another five months slip by before updating again.

Peace.

Four Year Blogoversary

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Another year on WordPress?  Wowzers, four years have flown by here on The Endo Zone!  Even though I had no real plan in mind when I created this space in 2015, I certainly didn’t imagine that four-plus years later I’d still be blogging.  Well, sort of blogging; at best, I’m a sporadic blogger.

The future of The Endo Zone is hazy.  I have been (and continue to be) in a kind of limbo when it comes to TTC.  We continue trying for a baby naturally; I’m in between doctors (again, *sigh*); with nothing new happening,  the months have somehow turned to years.  With no real “news” to report, I haven’t been blogging as much, but I also have no plans to take the site down, either.  Blogging is something I’ve been meaning to get back to doing, and I have to make the time for it (sorry, guys!).

Thanks for sticking with me these past four years!  I will try my best to post an update in the coming days.

Here’s links to:

Peace.

 

 

 

Canceled

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Well, this is a post I definitely didn’t foresee myself writing. I was all set to have my surgery this week, and—at the last minute—it fell apart. Actually, more like it was never going to happen anyway, although I would have been the last person to know.

Here’s the condensed version.

During my last office visit with Dr. Lee, we scheduled my surgery. While I sat on the exam table, I watched her add my surgery into her computerized calendar. Just as I prepared to leave, Dr. Lee ran back into the exam room to have me sign a surgical consent form, which she had nearly forgotten to do. I signed it, she gave me a folder with pre-op instructions, and I went on my way.

A few days before surgery, I called Dr. Lee’s office for a copy of my bowel prep instructions (in my experience, every doctor does bowel prep a bit differently).  Imagine my surprise when Dr. Lee’s office manager told me that I wasn’t scheduled for surgery on March 12 at all!  The office manager (I’ll call her Sandra) said that my surgery didn’t appear on Dr. Lee’s calendar and accusingly informed me that I had failed to sign a consent form. As kindly possible, I explained that she was entirely wrong on both counts. Besides, even if I had neglected to sign a consent form, well whose fault is that? It’s the office’s responsibility to obtain consents, not the patient’s to remind them to do their job.

An hour later, Sandra called back saying she could squeeze me in for surgery after all on March 12!  Although still annoyed, I was relieved, and figured the problem had been fixed.

An hour after that, Sandra called again saying Dr. Lee could not perform my surgery on March 12 because all her other surgeries that day were complex cases like mine, and there wasn’t time for me.

To say I was livid would be an massive understatement. I was even more livid that Dr. Lee’s office tried blaming ME for their glaring error!  Also, it was beyond unprofessional that Dr. Lee personally didn’t call me. What happened in my case is a massive error for a doctor’s office to make, but the fact that she sent Sandra to do her bidding rather than taking a moment to personally call me was the icing on the cake.

I declined Sandra’s offer to reschedule my surgery.  If Dr. Lee can’t be trusted to, I don’t know, run a medical practice efficiently, how could I trust her to operate on me?! I especially was insulted by her office twice trying to blame me for their ineptitude. I had arranged time off from work, Jake had taken a personal day to accompany me to surgery, and I had hired a friend who is a former nurse to stay with me the day after surgery. Expecting to be temporarily bed-ridden, I had made other preparations, such as pre-preparing food and scrubbing my home clean, which I could have avoided. It was also embarrassing to have to explain to several people that my surgery was off.

What my next step is remains to be seen. There is a definite God Factor that is part of this story, but I don’t want this post to get too long because no one likes to read really long blog posts.

So stay tuned; part two is coming up.

 

Pre-op Festivities

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In keeping with my tradition of being a Bad Blogger, I never did blog my promised update for surgery #6.  Oops.  I’ve been meaning to update here for awhile, but: life.  You know how it is.

My next surgery is set for March 12.  Four-plus weeks sounds like a long time, but I’m sure it’ll whiz by.  My pain level and symptoms from endo have amped up during the last few months, so I’m really hoping that after this surgery will provide much-needed relief.

Surgery will be laparoscopy accompanied by D&C, hysteroscopy, and chromtubation.  Dr. Lee is also going to cauterize my cervix (again) in an attempt to stop my intermenstrual bleeding. I do not have high hopes that cauterization will work this time, because it did nothing to stop or even slow my bleeding last time. Time will tell though, and I’d be relieved to be wrong. A colo-rectal surgeon will assist Dr. Lee, if needed. I really hope s/he is not needed. Recovering from partial bowel resection is no joke, and not something I wish to repeat, like, EVER.

Pre-op this time around is pretty breezy: I’ll have some blood work done—including an updated AMH, just for kicks—and the day before surgery I’ll do a bowel prep. Bowel preps are some nasty business. This will be my third bowel prep, and I don’t expect it to be any funner than the other two were (which were so unfun I can’t even say …). Even so, I don’t have much in the way of pre-op testing, which I’m pleased about.

Dr. Lee suspects that I have endo either on my urethra or attached to one of the nerves that runs near it in my groin area. Lately I’ve been suffering from weird pubic/groin/whatever pain that shoots through my body and causes abdominal spasms. And I mean spasms, like spasm spasms, where my whole body jerks uncontrollably for minutes on end. It has had Jake and I completely freaked out, but according to Dr. Lee, patients with severe endo often have it on their urethra or nearby nerves, so that was (sort of?) reassuring.

In addition, I’ve been having ongoing stabbing uterine pain throughout my whole cycle that jars me and doubles me over. Clearly, something bad is going on in my uterus. My pelvic MRI didn’t show much, but in my opinion it was kind of a waste, because what can MRI really show when it comes to endometriosis?  I’m still not clear why Dr. Lee orderd my MRI in the first place, but, hey, I’m not the doctor here.

Otherwise, I’m prepared for my next surgery.  I fully know what to expect, how to prepare, and what recovery is like, so I feel little-to-no nerves in that department. I’m just glad it’s scheduled and am looking forward to maybe having relief this time around.

Peace.