February 10, 2015
Yesterday a 30 year old woman came into the office with her few-month-old baby. Pretty girl, adorable baby. Baby within the confines of marriage. Good parents, being raised right, all the right stuff, ad nauseaum. Yet I felt insanely jealous. And inferior. Who was she to have a baby? Why does she deserve to enjoy a baby, but I can’t? Why was her pregnancy just soooo easy and effortlessly conceived (of course, I assume these things)? I see other women every-freakin-where with their babies and I’m JEALOUS! I feel they don’t deserve to have it so easy, to have become impregnated seemingly by drinking a glass of water. That they Cant possibly truly appreciate their babies because the whole thing just came so naturally to them. I know these feelings are wrong and impure, are hurting no one but myself, and that I should squash them instead of presumably feeding them by doing something like typing them into this blog. Yet, I feel them nonetheless and this is supposed to be my “outlet.”
I’m having a hard time dealing with my jealousy issues. It makes me feel like a really, really bad, horrendous, despicable person. And I know the jealousy comes from a combination of inferiority, of feeling “less” than a whole woman, from anger at what I sometimes feel is the unjust hand life has dealt me, and the ceaseless ticking of my biological clock. 33 is fast approaching: 8 more weeks.
I know I must somehow deal with these emotions. Online forums can only do so much, and sometimes they even end up making me feel worse and not better. Maybe I should go talk to someone: ya know, a head shrink. I may as well use my insurance for something.
I’m now, after tonight’s BD, about to enter into another Two Week Wait (so revered in TTC land that it deserves to be capitalized). Two whole torturous weeks of waiting to find out if AF is coming or if I get a BFP. This week I began using the OPK and got a smiley face (positive!) on one day. Unfortunetely, that smiley face is apparently no guarantee that I’ll actually ovulate. I have some fears concerning that which I’ll share later. Alas, lunch break is over, meaning this blog post is over for the moment, too.