Idk if it’s a matter of putting the cart before the horse, but I’ve been stressed lately from what feels like a life all-consumed with TTC and I wonder if this here little blog is contributing to it. Between the OPKs, BBT temping, documenting of every symptom into my Period Calendar, therapist visits, REI doctor visits, learning of two people’s pregnancies in a matter of four days, reading other peoples blogs, and writing my own blog, I feel like all I ever think about lately is this infertility “problem”—to the exclusion of everything else. I’ve slept terribly for the past three nights, and I’m usually a pretty sound sleeper. Lately my sleep is very light and accompanied by strange, ominous dreams, followed by waking up completely exhausted. The stress of waiting for my lab results from Dr. B and anticipating the imminent arrival of AF only add to my craziness of late.
I know I must make some decisions here. We simply cannot go on and on and on TTC with no help other than the BBTs and OPKs. Despite Dr. B’s suggestion, IVF is a huge, HUGE, gargantuan, step that I’m not prepared to enter into just yet. Maybe I need to test the waters some first before I’m ready to make that leap. Like Clomid. Or IUI. Or the like. And, absolutely NO MORE SURGERIES! I have four under my belt to date, and the idea of a fifth surgery to remove scar tissues, which ultimately only results in MORE scar tissue, is out. of. the. question. Period. But, I have to seriously get down on my knees and seek God here, because decisions must be made and I absolutely want to make the right ones.
What my mind keeps coming back to is work. There’s only me and Coworker here working for Boss. That’s it. It’s a very small office. So knowing that I just missed 2.5 hours of work on Thursday for a doctor’s appointment, and that I’ll likely have to give boss notice of a matter of hours on Monday for a subsequent doctor’s visit, might cause some red flags. This is such a personal topic that I’m certain male Boss doesn’t want the deets on, but I will eventually have to tell him something when it seems like I always have to leave for doctor appointments, and I’m totally not comfortable going into my personal life with a man old enough to be my father.
God has a plan here. He’s not making things difficult for me just for fun and to see how I respond. He knew this was coming. Therefore, He has to have made a way of escape. After all, the only way out of something is to go through it. Yeah, I know there’s the whole “say unto this mountain be removed and cast into the sea” part of the Christian life, but that doesn’t exempt everyone from ever experiencing a challenge. There are circumstances applicable to that scripture, but not all problems neatly fall into the “mountain-sea-removed” category. Victory is also obtained—and experience and empathy gained—by having overcome obstacles. And I am not taking this infertility lying down. It will not beat me. It may be trying to consume me, but it will NEVER get me to simply lie down and take it.