Yesterday was tough. For two reasons.
First off, I learned that Dr. B will be closing his practice in late summer due to a health issue he is facing, and us patients will be provided a list of local RE’s he recommends in the interim. He may be closed for a few months. The thought of changing RE’s when I’ve only recently discovered Dr. B and am very happy with him is stressful. Philly is a big town: I may very well end up driving a considerable distance to see a new RE, or even to a different state. Longer even than the 45 minutes it takes me to get to Dr. B’s office now. Transferring physicians is never easy, or fun. I only pray that there’s someone closer to my area who I can see during the time he’s closed. Maybe God has someone even better in store for me that I don’t even know of yet. He is certainly known for doing stuff like that. Which is why He’s so super awesome. I leave this matter in His hands.
Second though, harder than the disappointment of Dr. B’s temporary departure, was when my sister called yesterday evening to tell me that our brother and his wife are expecting. The wind was totally knocked out of my sails. Here DH and I are consumed with TTC (well, I am anyway. I can’t speak for him on the “consumed” part), here I am constantly running to the doctor’s office, getting stabbed with needles and having my insides rudely poked at with transvaginal ultrasound thingy-s, preparing to get started on Clomid and IUI, temping, BBT-ing, timing intercourse, praying furiously, dealing with all the emotional roller coaster issues of IF, enduring the constant physical pain of endometriosis, and she gets pregnant?! But she already has one child, and Brother already has two more children from a previous marriage, together they raise the three. Why her? Why not me??
Man, I took it so hard. And I’m totally torn. Part of me—a big, big part—is so happy and thrilled and excited for Brother and Sister-in-Law (SIL). For all I know, they’ve been trying for some time to get pregnant (or maybe not, but let’s give them the benefit of the doubt), and now their efforts have paid off. A new life, a new member of the family, is always something to be celebrated. God choose them to be the parents to this developing human, He has blessed them with this opportunity to care for his handiwork, and I should be rejoicing in that also. And, don’t get me wrong, I am. But at the same time? I’m not. Because, if life were fair, then they’ve already had their turn and now it should be mine, right? Right?! But it is their turn. Again. And again. And again. And still not mine. And I know it’s childish and selfish and just plain ugly of me, but I’m jealous and sad and angry. I had a real ugly cry about this last night, in private, away from even DH, whose attempts at comfort (and a bit of rebuke too) were not welcome to my little pity party. While I won’t allow this soul-ish part of me to utterly consume me and I will not focus solely on my emotions and elevate their status to being more important than our spiritual status, I just need to vent. Here. With other fellow TTC-ers, who’ve probably experienced this or a similar circumstance in their TTC journey.
Because with the advent of this new family member, a spotlight inevitably at some point will be thrown on DH and my lack of children. Family members commenting on how Brother and SIL now have four children and why don’t DH and I have any after 11 years of marriage? What are we waiting for already? Don’t we want kids? Doesn’t niece/nephew-to-be deserve to have a cousin? SIL’s pregnancy only serves to highlight the contrast between us and them. The haves and the have-nots. And I don’t know how/if I can handle the scrutiny, whether real or imagined. Can I politely deal with any of these potential questions—however innocently asked—without breaking down? Can I still show love and kindness to SIL, despite my jealousy and feeling of inferiority as a woman? Is God testing me here to see what I’m made of? Perhaps I’m reading more into this than what’s really there, as I tend to sometimes do, but is that what’s going on here—God highlighting to me what ugly unrenewed parts of me must be laid down?
I truly don’t have answers to these questions yet, and this post is more of a rant/vent/brain dump than anything else. My private rant to anyone on the interwebs who chooses to darken the doorway of my little blog here and be privy to my private thoughts.
Thank you for listening to me vent. Praying for all you lovely TTC ladies (and gents) in our journey through this maze.