Loss.

The nightmare is winding down. The miscarriage  that remained so elusively imminent for so long is finally over. Six weeks to the day from when my embaby stopped growing, I miscarried.

It was everything that I’d hoped it wouldn’t be: gruesome, excruciatingly painful, scary, drawn out, messy, and heartbreaking. But I thank God for the little ways in which He answered our prayers: It happened on a weekend, at home, DH by my side, prepared as best we could be, the support and concern of my best friend only minutes away if needed, the support and love from my in-laws, whom I’ve not mentioned here before but who are wonderful people, a phone call away. It took fourteen hours of contractions and pain like I never believed possible, but the worst of it is over.

I checked in with the long-lost Dr. C today for ultrasound and blood work. The scan was clear: no need for a D&C, as my uterus is satisfactorily empty. My hcg level was 413; they’ll check it again in nine days and keep checking weekly until it’s negative. And while I’m still having a tremendous amount of pain more than 48 hours after the actual fact, I’m otherwise physically healing normally. I’m getting lots of rest (not leaving bed helps with that), drinking red raspberry leaf tea, taking black cohosh root, eating painkillers (not at the same time!) when it gets bad enough, eating uber healthy food, staying hydrated, etc. Even my evil cysts are gone! Dr. C can’t answer why I’m still having crazy ovary pain, but such is life.

While physically I’m on the mend, emotionally and mentally I’m not so great. Honestly I don’t know how to feel. I swing from bawling my eyes out to neutral to angry to heartbroken and back within an hour. I think that I’m grieving too much, then decide that I’m not grieving enough, or the right way. I get all lost in my head, then refuse to think about it at all. I pray my heart out, then go on strike against speaking to God. Since my mental state is clearly questionable right now, I stayed home from work today and probably will tomorrow too. In fact—save this morning’s visit to Dr. C—I haven’t left my house since Friday evening, which suits me just fine for now.

As time moves on I’m sure I will, too. Right now though, I just can’t—right now there is no concept of moving on.

And finally, a huge Thank You and hugs to all of you who’ve left a kind word on my posts lately or sent an email, or e-hugs, or in any other way you ladies have been there for me during this. You’ve no idea how much your support means.

Author: Marixsa

Resolving infertility as childless-not-by-choice and encouraging fellow endo warriors along the way.

9 thoughts on “Loss.”

  1. 😦 I wish you weren’t going through this… I really hope that things start looking brighter for you. You still have one in the freezer too 😉 That might just be your little miracle!

    Like

  2. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this ordeal at all. You’re so very strong and I admire your tenacity in wanting and ensuring this went naturally. I’m not sure I could have done it.

    Like

  3. I’m so glad to hear that its over. Now its onto the equally hard emotional healing. It will take time, and thats completely normal. Only you know when your ready to move forward. Praying for you girly, especially now with the holidays literally right here. You’ll get through this, and you will be oh so strong when you do!

    Liked by 1 person

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