The nightmare is winding down. The miscarriage  that remained so elusively imminent for so long is finally over. Six weeks to the day from when my embaby stopped growing, I miscarried.

It was everything that I’d hoped it wouldn’t be: gruesome, excruciatingly painful, scary, drawn out, messy, and heartbreaking. But I thank God for the little ways in which He answered our prayers: It happened on a weekend, at home, DH by my side, prepared as best we could be, the support and concern of my best friend only minutes away if needed, the support and love from my in-laws, whom I’ve not mentioned here before but who are wonderful people, a phone call away. It took fourteen hours of contractions and pain like I never believed possible, but the worst of it is over.

I checked in with the long-lost Dr. C today for ultrasound and blood work. The scan was clear: no need for a D&C, as my uterus is satisfactorily empty. My hcg level was 413; they’ll check it again in nine days and keep checking weekly until it’s negative. And while I’m still having a tremendous amount of pain more than 48 hours after the actual fact, I’m otherwise physically healing normally. I’m getting lots of rest (not leaving bed helps with that), drinking red raspberry leaf tea, taking black cohosh root, eating painkillers (not at the same time!) when it gets bad enough, eating uber healthy food, staying hydrated, etc. Even my evil cysts are gone! Dr. C can’t answer why I’m still having crazy ovary pain, but such is life.

While physically I’m on the mend, emotionally and mentally I’m not so great. Honestly I don’t know how to feel. I swing from bawling my eyes out to neutral to angry to heartbroken and back within an hour. I think that I’m grieving too much, then decide that I’m not grieving enough, or the right way. I get all lost in my head, then refuse to think about it at all. I pray my heart out, then go on strike against speaking to God. Since my mental state is clearly questionable right now, I stayed home from work today and probably will tomorrow too. In fact—save this morning’s visit to Dr. C—I haven’t left my house since Friday evening, which suits me just fine for now.

As time moves on I’m sure I will, too. Right now though, I just can’t—right now there is no concept of moving on.

And finally, a huge Thank You and hugs to all of you who’ve left a kind word on my posts lately or sent an email, or e-hugs, or in any other way you ladies have been there for me during this. You’ve no idea how much your support means.


Author: Marixsa

Resolving infertility as childless-not-by-choice and encouraging fellow endo warriors along the way.

9 thoughts on “Loss.”

  1. 😦 I wish you weren’t going through this… I really hope that things start looking brighter for you. You still have one in the freezer too 😉 That might just be your little miracle!


  2. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this ordeal at all. You’re so very strong and I admire your tenacity in wanting and ensuring this went naturally. I’m not sure I could have done it.


  3. I’m so glad to hear that its over. Now its onto the equally hard emotional healing. It will take time, and thats completely normal. Only you know when your ready to move forward. Praying for you girly, especially now with the holidays literally right here. You’ll get through this, and you will be oh so strong when you do!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.


Pleasant words are as a honeycomb: sweet to the soul and health to the bones. - Proverbs 16:24

Childless by Marriage

In a society where most people have kids, some of us don't because our partners are unable or unwilling to make babies. That's what this blog and my book, Childless by Marriage, are about. Let's talk about what it's really like.

The joy in small things

Parenting and everything else after infertility

Thinking to Believe

An Oasis for Thoughtful Christians

Surprised By Marriage

Sharing the struggles an

The State Of Being Sober

Margot's Movement. A journey of sobriety and saying no to the Sauvignon. Once, and for all.

Discover WordPress

A daily selection of the best content published on WordPress, collected for you by humans who love to read.

Christine Seifert

Lady professor by day. Reader by night. Sometimes I write books.

The Good, The Bad and the Stuff Inbetween

This is a first hand account of my journey through IVF and life beyond

Sparkly With Endo

A journey to find my sparkle while living with endometriosis

Anne Brock

A Spiritual Journey Through Creativity

Michelle Lesley

Discipleship for Christian Women


Childless Not By Choice Infertility Survivorhood


Innovating for the Future

Pee on the sticks

a real IVF story

Tricia Thirey

Choosing Joy in Every Moment


Exalting the name of Jesus through Christian essays

Cramping my Style

A 20 something girl suffering Endometriosis, documenting the glamour of day to day life with an invisible illness...

The Paralegal Society™

a forum created to educate, motivate and inspire paralegals to engage in the pursuit of excellence for all paralegalkind.

Colouring In My Life

From diagnosis to acceptance, with Endometriosis in between

Jesus and Coffee

Faith, family, beauty...we’ve got it all going on here!

Coffee Made Better

Stopping bad coffee.


"In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." -Proverbs 3:6


Surviving with PCOS; my side of the story.

Waiting for the Bump

The Process of Starting a Family With the Help of Infertility

Rebecca’s World

Even miracles take a little time


Life as Mrs M 🌻💛

Ethical Grounds

The Unofficial Blog of Vermont's Bar Counsel

Journey of Restored Hope

Every person has a unique story to share and I would like to pass along my story in an effort to help others find hope in the darkest of places.

Tears in a Bottle

A safe haven for wounded hearts.

Insomnia Girl

and the Very Important Thoughts keeping her awake

Lallie Lee

Learning to Live Fearless

Boo Wholefoods

Eating the healthy way to keep endometriosis at bay.