Turning 40, Cycle-less, and Healing

40

Today DH turns 40. He has stood beside me valiantly in this crazy journey that you all have gotten to read about, and sometimes I feel like I don’t give him enough credit on my blog. It’s so hard to believe how fast time has flown: I met DH waaay back in 2000 when he was a mere young lad of 24. Back then, 40 seemed like an eternity away.

DH has been extremely upset about the miscarriage. He feels somehow responsible and is frustrated and saddened by the fact that nothing he can say or do will either repair me or change the outcome. Those feelings, coupled with the mini midlife crisis that apparently sneaks up on almost-40-year-old guys, means he’s been having a tough time lately. I wanted to do something nice for him to lift his spirits.

When I pressed him for gift ideas, his response was things like undershirts or shoes or going out to dinner: bland stuff. But a gal can’t simply sit by and do nothing when her better half has a milestone birthday! After mulling over ideas, I eventually got completely overambitious and decided that nothing less than a 40-page scrapbook with one memory per page would do. And—whew! I came up with this plan less than a week before his big day, and it was a total whirlwind getting the scrapbook/memory book done in time. I dusted off my scrapbooking supplies, and a few late nights and several trips to A.C. Moore later, I’m pretty proud of how it turned out! DH requested a homemade lasagna for his birthday meal, which I’ll make as soon as I’m out of work for the day. My sister, who also currently lives with us, had her baker friend whip up a custom Dr. Who cake (DH is a huge fan), so it seems we’re all set for a very quiet, but still special, 40th birthday celebration.


 

On the infertility front, things are weirdly calm. It’s really disconcerting right now because I’m in this limbo of not being in a cycle at all and I don’t know how to deal. Normally, my body is constantly preparing either to ovulate or to menstruate; right now I don’t think it’s doing either. In fact, I have no clue what it’s doing these days! It can take 4 – 8 weeks after a m/c to get a period. And I doubt that I can ovulate before that period comes (?). Can one get a period without ovulating first? *So confused.* To add insult to injury, I still have hcg in my system (measured at 31 last week), and if I were to take a HPT right now it’d be positive. I have no idea when I’ll get a period next, so I’ve been paying extra close attention to my symptoms, or lack of

I’ve gone back to BBT temping each morning. I had stopped early in the pregnancy and picked back up immediately after the m/c. My temp has literally been all over the charts, but in general it seems to be dropping.. DH and I are halfheartedly back at TTC, but since we don’t know how to time BD it’s become hit-or-miss in that department.


 

While I’m coping decently and slowly accepting our circumstances, there still seems so much more mentally and spiritually to sort out. Like my body, my mind seems to be in limbo, too. I made an appointment to return to my therapist this week and clear out the headspace. It’s time to begin moving forward.

Author: Marixsa

Resolving infertility as childless-not-by-choice and encouraging fellow endo warriors along the way.

12 thoughts on “Turning 40, Cycle-less, and Healing”

  1. happy birthday to your husband. Your gift idea sounds fantastic. I hope he loves it 🙂
    I think you can get a period without ovulating but I’m not sure… big hugs to you as you work your way through the physical and mental aftermath of the miscarriage. I hope your therapist will help x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sounds like some of the cloudy skies are lightening up and a peek of sunshine is coming through. Yes, the time to wait from m/c to next period can be very weird. I used that time to get back into working out, and hey, you don’t have to wear pads for a while! Mine took about 6 weeks to come back. Thinking about you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You’re such a thoughtful person. I think a lot of times we internalize this struggle and it feels like we’re doing this and going through this and the man is just there to hold us and help us through. You’re such a good wife to recognize his struggle and do what you can to focus on you. I’m so inspired. I’m glad you made an appt to return to your therapist too. Post mc I had scheduled to see one, but never went. Good luck, girl. Lots of love and good vibes and prayers heading your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. aww I love the scrapbook idea – and I’ll bet he loved it too! Sounds like your body needs a little bit of time to rebalance and then get back on track. sending you lots of positivity for the future xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ps, after my miscarriage it took about 6/7 weeks for my cycle to return to normal – and then it was really regular for a bit although my body had almost reset itself! I thought I had ovulated beforehand as I had ovulation pains, but everything was so screwy then I really don’t know what was going on! xx

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  5. Your story has brought tears to my eyes, I am sorry from the bottom of my heart that you miscarried and are now in limbo with your cycle. You have such strength moving forward with each day that passes making your husbands birthday special day and you constant words of encouragement you write in response to my posts.
    I’ve had one miscarriage myself and it was the worst day of my life and I will never for get the pain of our loss.

    Liked by 1 person

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