Sibling Rivalry

This morning—less than an hour after having my blood drawn at the clinic to check whether all hcg is out of my system —I got a stream of texts that Brother and SIL had their newest baby, followed by a plethora of pics of Baby X. Literally, Baby X, because of yet he has no name. And as for my hcg, it’s at 6.6. How antithetic my RE visits have become.

The news stung. It still stings. In a sense, it’s poetic.

Yes, people have babies every single day. Yes, there’s probably even pregnant women reading this post. I don’t begrudge anyone their happiness, not my brother, and especially not my fellow infertile friends who’ve walked a tough, emotional, and likely expensive road. The news of most other people’s babies being born doesn’t really affect me one way or another. But this baby? All my life Brother has one-upped me in every way. We’re pretty close in age, and as kids we hung out all the time. Out of four siblings, there’s always been a strong undercurrent of sibling rivalry between the two of us. I’ll skip the details, but every major milestone of my life he has somehow managed to—deliberately or accidentally—trump me. Because of our competitive history, today it feels like he prevailed…. yet again.

siblingrivalry
That would be Brother on the left. True story.

Is it Really Bad that I don’t want to visit the new baby? My own nephew for that matter?! I feel like a terrible person for this, even though people assure me that it’s understandable, normal, to be expected, ad nauseam. I had previously made plans earlier this week to stop at Brother’s house tomorrow on the way back from my hair appointment to drop off a birthday present for his youngest daughter, and all I can selfishly think is: a) I hope no one’s home, and b) if anyone is home, that Baby X will hopefully not have been released from the hospital by the time I get there. I’m still a bit fragile these days: seeing his newborn baby that he gets to have when I inexplicably didn’t get to keep my own is more than I can take right now.

I wonder lately if God has allowed the timing of the baby situation in my family to show me what’s inside of me; if so, I don’t like what I’ve found. This one part of me that I haven’t surrendered to the Lord shows me how many areas of my soul I have yet to let go.

Some days, it’s just tough being a human.

 

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Author: Marixsa

Navigating the infertility waters and encouraging other mamas-in-waiting along the way.

13 thoughts on “Sibling Rivalry”

  1. If you read my last post you’ll know I am extremely empathic to your situation. I don’t think it’s bad. I think that you’ve been hurt and this journey can be so hard sometimes. If I were in your situation, especially with just trying to see if the hcg was out of your system, I don’t think I would be able to handle the visit. I totally get it, love. Take care of YOU. If not, it’ll be even harder in the long run.

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  2. I don’t think you should feel bad for feeling that way. It’s pretty painful. The last few Christmases being around my sister and nephew was tough. My nephew was an oops baby to top it off. So that really hurt throughout my journey.

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    1. I think this nephew was an oops baby, too. We’ll see him on Christmas (I still don’t even know his name), so I’m just mentally preparing myself for that.

      How are you doing? I’ve been thinking about you and hoping everything is okay 🙂

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  3. try not to be so hard on yourself! As others have said, I would feel exactly the same way. We were made godparents to my friends baby, who was born around the time our miscarried baby would have been – I really didn’t want to meet him at first, and now he’s older we see him quite a lot – and I regularly have a cry at him (poor little mite, he must think I’m mad, but his cuddles are very good!). Do your bro and SIL know what you’ve been through? If so, they should completely understand your feelings here. Its such a tough situation x

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    1. No, they don’t know. But if it comes up, then it comes up, I’m not hiding our situation so much either. I hope you’re feeling better lately: I know you’ve been struggling with nausea. They say the second trimester is the easiest, I hope that’s true for you!

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  4. Oh, I so get this. Trust me, you are not the only one with these thoughts and feelings. I am one of four as well, with a younger sibling (I’m the first, she’s second) who has always, always had things come easy to her and has always managed to be better than me in every way. That weird sort of sibling rivalry has existed between us for as long as I can remember, and my mom once told me that by 4 years old I used to tell her that I wished I was my sister (which is wrapped up in a lot of other complicated family things but is also very sad to me). She (purposely) announced her pregnancy before I could share the news of us pursuing surrogacy with family and friends and then managed to give birth within days of our first failed transfer. Plus, she actually managed to actually managed to get pregnant vs me, who needed the help of a surrogate. :/ It sucks. However, when I did meet my nephew (they live several states away so it wasn’t until 3 months later), I was overwhelmed with how much love I had for him. But I will not deny that I had some very, very hard days in there… and still do. You are not alone!

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    1. I can tell that this struck something in you. I cant imagine how much more intense this rivalry would be if this was my sister vs. brother… At least I’m in good company with your story!

      I’ve been thinking of you and I hope all is well. Aren’t you guys due pretty soon?! I also was thinking based off one of your recent posts that you and I use the same clinic. I know you’re local-ish to me… If you ever want to chat, online or over coffee, you can always email me at phillydayzeblog@gmail.com. No pressure 🙂

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  5. You’re right, it is tough being human. It includes feeling lots if ugly emotions. I completely understand your feelings (and have felt similar emotions myself, many times) and they are completely normal. And completely, wholly human. I do think infertility forces us to face the worst parts of ourselves, and hopefully to, eventually, accept those parts of ourselves. Some people have the luxury of not facing hard emotions, but we don’t. And I have to think in the end it’s a good think we’re forced to look inside ourselves. This is not an easy thing to go through, but I do believe it makes us better, more whole humans in the end. But damn, getting there sure sucks sometimes. Xoxo.

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