I’m not doing good today, ladies. Like, not at all. Today’s been tough:
- Today is 3-months since we first learned all was not well with our pregnancy.
- Today is 2-months since the actual miscarriage itself.
- And, last but not least: Today would have been my 20-week mark. I’d be exactly halfway along in my pregnancy. Instead I’m halfway along nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I woke up this morning aware of today’s anniversaries and milestones. I’m not quite sure if “anniversary” is the right term to use, but the odds of all three of these events occurring on the same day? Well, you just can’t write this stuff. Before even getting out of bed I determined that, even though I knew I’d probably feel kinda down today and therefore cut myself some slack, I would not let these thoughts really, truly affect my day.
But then, I made a horrible, terrible mistake: I came to work.
And first thing in the morning, Boss started waving a pic of his newborn grandson in my face. Literally, in my face, exclaiming, “Isn’t he cute?!” This prompted like a 20 minute long convo between Boss and Coworker and Associate Guy about the baby. Not wanting to be a B*, I didn’t shut my office door to drown them out. After several minutes of overhearing baby talk, I left to “go to the bathroom.” All suspect-like, I returned to the office 10 minutes later and they were still going on about the baby! I left yet again, returned, same thing. Seriously, this was the conversation that would not end.
Not even an hour later, Boss approaches me and asks, “Let me get your opinion on something, as a woman. Don’t you think it’s really weird for a mother-in-law to throw her daughter-in-law a baby shower?” Apparently, Boss’ wife has been invited to such a baby shower. Boss tends to get really hung up on little details like this.
And then, guys, I inwardly imploded.
- First off, my being a woman doesn’t automatically make me some omniscient expert on all-things-baby etiquette. Do you see a baby here? Hmm…..? No? Then don’t ask. Just.don’t.ask.
- Second, I don’t get it: what’s so wrong with a MIL doing that?! Who cares?! If there’s apparently some unwritten standard that a mother throws the daughter’s baby shower, then I guess I’m out of the drawing for ever having a baby shower that I didn’t organize myself.
- Third, this man knows I just had a miscarriage. I guess my all but becoming part of the wallpaper when babies and pregnancy gets brought up at work (which they do, way too often) hasn’t worked.
I pointedly mumbled something about how I wouldn’t know and went to the ladies’ room. Again.
Cause like I just said, you can’t write this stuff.
It’s just …. rough … today. I can’t fully articulate why, but I’m so angry that I could kick a kitten. Okay, no, not really, I actually love kittens, but you get my meaning.
I even read blogs on here by others who’re around the same pregnancy week I should be, then find myself fighting off feelings of envy and anger. And that’s so, SO wrong. Cause I love you guys! But, at the same time, please understand what I mean. Cause, in our hearts, we all do this/have done this at some time. That doesn’t make it right; it just makes us human. I actually am happy for others, especially my fellow TTC-ers who’ve come out on the other side. Some days, though, it just straight hurts to see right in front of you what you failed to achieve yourself.
Okay, getting all that ugliness off my chest helped. I can’t let all this stuff fester inside of me. I just know you guys get what I’m going through here. Maybe I just needed to vent. I’m sure that being on day 34 of my period isn’t helping matters. Neither is this relentless stomach virus I’ve had for the past 5 days that shows no sign of slowing down. It’s a regular party over here!
I meant everything I’ve posted before about healing, but grief is a funny thing. Some days you think you’ve moved so far and have done so well, only to realize just how close to the surface it still lingers. It’s a long road back.