As I was driving to work yesterday morning on a perfectly ordinary day thinking about nothing in particular, I suddenly found myself really, honestly full of HOPE about our FET. It sounds cliché, but it was as if a sudden ray of light burst open inside of me and I realized that, yes, I can choose to hope that this is it for us!
This is kind of a big deal because—up until that moment—I’d been pretty much resigned to expecting the FET to be a flop. Terrible, right? I’d felt truly awful for being so pessimistic. If the FET worked, how could I look at my newborn baby and not possibly be a bad person for having gone into this thing expecting him or her to not have made it? Our baby-to-be deserves faith and hope and expectation, not gloomy pessimism and low expectations.
For months I outright refused to discuss our frostie being a possible child whenever anyone tried to cheer me up by mentioning that we still had a frozen embryo. I was still all messed up about the miscarried embryo. It didn’t feel right to just quickly move along to the next embryo like business as usual. Maybe we just had a bad “batch” and would have to start fresh. To me, the idea of the frostie being our take-home baby was a non-chance, a poor substitute. To go into this FET robotically with underlying discouragement and anger is not fair to this embryo. He (or she, but I like the idea of ‘he’) deserves to have someone in his corner rooting him along.
Hope hurts, especially in this risky infertility business where the odds are rarely in our favor. We always stay cautiously guarded, we learn to be only timidly hopeful. After all, we’ve ridden this roller coaster ride of hoping followed by letdown every single month. We know the flattening disappointment of yet another failed cycle. For some of us, this ride goes on for years. Hope is a step out of our comfort zone and into letting our hearts be open to the possibility of being hurt, of being wrong. Hope is not self-gratifying expectant demanding. Hope is not naiveté. Hope is not a guarantee. Hope is not having your head in the clouds.
Hope is essential.
Only God knows the outcome of this cycle. My hope is in Him.
When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer. (NLT)