He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

hopeflower

This picture graces the home screen to my blog. It spoke so much to me at the time I chose it because—among so many “No” petals—a “Yes” won. Hope. Odd-defying triumph. Rising from the ashes. Which is how I imagined infertility would one day end: finally beating the odds, pulling a yes from the countless nos. What I think these petals are actually from is the game “He loves me, he loves me not.” Fittingly, I’ve been playing that very game over and over again this past week. Except instead of “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not,” it goes something like “I’m Pregnant, I’m Pregnant-Not.”

Twinges in my uterus?  Pregnant. Spotting? Pregnant-Not. Nausea? Pregnant. Cramping? Pregnant-Not. I’ve mastered this game. All day, every day. I can outplay anyone who dares challenge me to a round. And at 6dp5dt I get to keep on playing for four more fun-filled days.

Remember how last time I posted I talked about a TWW post that I had in mind? Forget I said that. You guys don’t need my TWW tips or to know what foods I’m eating or whether I’m wearing socks round the clock. I don’t even care about that stuff anymore. I just care about making it through this wait. Intact.

Maybe it’s because I’m on so many more hormones than last time and at higher doses, maybe it’s because we don’t have any more frosties left to “spare” if this fails, maybe it’s due to residual depression that I haven’t dealt with, but, ya’ll—I’m a mess. Like, a total, complete, sloppy, messy mess. I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt so insane waiting. It’s regular crazytown over here.

See, you’re all privy to a big secret: Jake and I didn’t tell anyone that we were doing this FET. The only person we told, in utmost confidence, was our pastor so he could pray for us and for the outcome. Last time around, several people in our lives knew that we were doing IVF. But having to report the play-by-play of events to these people, especially the final end result, ended up making us feel like we just let everyone down. This time we decided we’d tell no one—absolutely no one—until we were at the beginning of the second trimester. At the time it sounded like a good idea, but now the isolation of doing a secret IVF cycle is taking its toll on me. I feel completely and utterly alone: just me and Jake against the world.

All these hormones are making me a big ol’ ball of crazy. Add to the equation that I’ve been cramping quite heavily for days now, spotting like mad, and my ovary ceaselessly feels like it’s being stretched beyond capacity, and we have the perfect concoction for an inevitable meltdown. I’m continually amazed at the fact that I’m somehow able to hold conversations with people, run errands, go to work, get dressed, and generally somewhat appear normal during this TWW, while on the inside I feel like it’s only a matter of nanoseconds before I completely self destruct. Because as I’m doing these “normal” things, I’m continually thinking to myself, “I’m Pregnant, I just know it. Nope, I just had more spotting. Pregnant-Not. New mystery symptom? Definitely pregnant! Or maybe not. I must Google it. Immediately. Daaag: that’s a Pregnant-Not. But some people say it could mean a Pregnant…” And on and on it goes as I pull yes-no petals from the flower that seems to have no end.

It’s exactly moments like these that I need to remind myself to:

waitonthelord

And to ask you guys to please pray for my mind, pray for this endless ovary pain to end, pray for Jake because he has to deal with me in real life, pray for this cycle to yield our take-home baby, and pray that I get through what feels an interminable wait with grace.

 

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Author: Marixsa

Navigating the infertility waters and encouraging other mamas-in-waiting along the way.

13 thoughts on “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not”

  1. I totally understand why you have decided to keep your FET quiet and I completely understand the feelings that eat you up from the inside… I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I know I can’t. I’m hoping for you – I hope you get the positive result and then make it all the way to take home baby. Sending lots of love xxx

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  2. Praying for all 3 of you. I understand not wanting to tell anyone. The most stressful part of the whole journey for me is when I even think about telling anyone about any part of it. It does feel lonely not being able to talk to someone I know about it, but I get way more nervous thinking about telling people.

    I pray that God gives you peace and calm to get you through the next 4 days. And then more peace and calm for an exciting 8.5 months to follow.

    Take care.

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  3. I get why you decided not to tell anyone about your cycle, it must be hard at work – especially if you are in any pain! I’m hoping for a positive result for you, not least long now (but seemingly forever I know) thinking of you!!! 😊🍀💪

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  4. It’s a hard choice whether or not to tell people. I was hoping to keep our upcoming FET to ourselves, but too many people asking about it and I can’t seem to be vague with my answers! I like the support, but I have a hard time with the questions (any news yet?!) and also the thought of disappointing people as you mentioned. I feel for you in this waiting period, it’s killer, even when (especially when) it’s down to the last few days. Hoping very much for you to have good news!!

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    1. It is SO HARD to be vague without outright lying, or without giving out TMI details. Sometimes I forget that “regular” people don’t discuss eggs and sperm and cervical mucous as easily and often as we do!

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  5. I hope the time flies and that you find out your hopefully positive result soon! I have also debated whether to tell people or not. Like you said on the one hand it’s so nice having support when you are going through the process but on the other hand you don’t want those awkward questions when people want to know whether it worked or not!

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    1. Thank you! I just today figured out how to follow your blog via email updates. WordPress sure makes it tough to follow BlogSpot blogs, but I’m looking forward to catching up on your blog 🙂

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