Shiny Cervix and Other Nonevents

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Oops… was my last post seriously back in March? I took a much-needed hiatus from the infertility blog world, which was kind of refreshing actually. And who knows? I just might take another one immediately after this post! Fertility’s just hasn’t been on my mind lately.

Not only have I stepped away from the blog, but I’ve also bid adieu to daily basal body temping, raspberry leaf tea, ovulation prediction kits, timed intercourse, avoiding alcohol and caffeine, and all the other crap that comes along with TTC. And you know what? I don’t even miss it. I like feeling normal again. Living life.

We have now officially reached the 6-year TTC mark and I’m tired: tired of the stress, the all-consuming-ness of it all, the fact that it’s been on my mind way too much than is healthy.

Since I’m here and all though, here’s the scant highlights since my last post:

  • My yearly gynecology appointment showed questionable lumps in each breast. My doc sent me for a mammogram, which was fortunately clear. For the record, mammograms (this was my first) are not as painful as the interwebs allege. And this coming from a chick with the lowest pain threshold in the universe. *breathes sigh of relief*
  • I turned 35. My period came on the day of my 35th birthday, which was either a real kick in the teeth or just a failed scare tactic to mess with my head. Anyway, I guess I’m now officially “old” when it comes to fertility stuff. Whatever.
  • Cervical cauterization. My cervix is quite shiny these days! I’ve started treating with a new gyn (this makes like the 20th gyn I’ve seen: no exaggeration) who recommended having my cervix cauterized with silver nitrate. Silver nitrate—picture that black stuff boxers use on their face to seal up cuts in the ring—should stop my ongoing mystery intermenstrual bleeding. With nothing to lose, I had my cervical cauterization procedure done this week. It was uncomfortable, similar to an extended PAP smear, but, like the mammogram, not nearly as painful as the Internet warned. The only side effect I had was grayish spotting and cramps for the rest of the procedure day.  Silver nitrate acts as a seal for the cervix’s tiny blood vessels, which is supposed to prevent blood (except menstrual blood) from seeping through. Sperms still makes it through I’m told. Sometimes it can take two or three treatments to be effective. Results to follow if it will stop the bleeding.

Back in 2011 when Jake and I were all, “Let’s have a baby!” we naively figured we’d be pregnant by the end of the summer. I had no inkling that we’d still be sojourning toward that same goal six years later. We knew back then that I had endometriosis. We knew I had only one ovary. We knew it might take a few months longer than most people. But we never in our wildest dreams imagined that 72 months later we’d still be trying.

So be it. It’s in God’s hands now. It always has been. I’ve not gone down without a fight—I’ve not even really “gone down” at all—but I’m done with the weird supplements and teas and stick peeing and other fruitless endeavors toward something I’ve literally no control over. I continue on with hope—expectation even—but choose to live and enjoy my life as a normal person in the meantime, whatever the outcome may be.

 

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Author: Marixsa

Navigating the infertility waters and encouraging other mamas-in-waiting along the way.

14 thoughts on “Shiny Cervix and Other Nonevents”

  1. Welcome back! I’ve definitely missed you and have wondered how your endometrium was going (is that weird to think that?). I’ve got to say I have such respect for you for a) keeping going for SIX YEARS at this ! I’m sure I wouldn’t have had the mental strength to keep at it as long as you have. And b) for knowing when it’s time to take a break. Arguably, that takes even more self awareness and warrior-like spirit than keeping going. Next time you’re having a drink, please think I am giving you a cheers as I think you’re awesome and not defined by your (shiny) cervix and uterus. xxx

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      1. They are all very well thanks. We rescued a new kitty the other day who is totally blind but I can’t take him in. I’m very sad as it’s hard to find a home for a blind kitty. If it was a different time we would have kept him but the timing is so bad. We also found a very healthy looking kitty who is seemingly living under our neighbour’s car so we are feeding him too!! Crazy times in kitty land!

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  2. Welcome back dear! Happy 35! And you’re right a mammogram really isn’t as bad as they make it out to be. I’m glad you’re doing well. I’ve been thinking about you. I’m sure it’s liberating to decide to let go of all of the obsessiveness of ttc. Not easy to do but liberating. XX

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  3. Nice to hear the update! Glad to hear those lumps were nothing and getting a mammogram isn’t the worst. In between failed IVFs in the past we also have had weeks/months where we took a break from things and it was really freeing and nice! Timed intercourse is so unromantic – t’s so much nicer to just go as the mood takes you. And it’s great to live your life without knowing exactly which day you are at in your cycle and worrying about what you are eating or drinking the whole time. So I’m glad you have been living your life again and not as consumed with all fertility stuff. I guess only God knows what’s in the cards for all of us.

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  4. I have to say that stopping TTC was one of the most freeing things I ever did. I was terrible at all of it. People who’ve never done it for any length of time don’t understand. I got into the most trouble when I was tracking my basal temperature. I knew that I was a bad sleeper, and knew that it had to be an “on waking” temperature, so my body just refused to sleep with the stress of it all. I had about six months where I kept a sleep diary and I basically didn’t sleep for more than a whole hour every night. It was horrible, I became hysterical. I had to ditch that and rely on OPKs. Ironically, the severe stress caused by TTCing probably prevented me from C’ing (on top of the stage 4 endo and zero AMH). I couldn’t stick to any kind of nutrition plan and I was just useless. Doing it for 6 years is a massive feat, you should be amazingly proud (for want of a better word) of your efforts. I probably only did it properly for a year, and I was already 37 at the start. But I remember it was a particularly horrible kind of limbo year and I felt like I just had no control over my body or my life. It’s years later, and I don’t regret stopping it, and I hope that this thought helps somebody out there. Anyway, you deserve some treats now and some good living, for sure.

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    1. Thanks for your kind words. I’m still vaguely keeping up with cycle things, but in a more removed, almost clinical, kind of way. It’s not for everyone and, yep, can make someone crazy real quick. I’m just going to let God handle these bigger picture things, we have no control anyway! xx

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  5. ❤ I don't know why it took me so long to read this! I'm a horrible stalker 😉 I'm glad to hear you're enjoying life again. And that you have taken a hiatus, and may yet again. When you want, keep us updated on your silverly-cervix, your moods, and your adventures. Much love. Lisa

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    1. Ha—you are my most favorite stalker of all my many stalkers. Can I stalk you right back? I want to like your ‘likes’ to my comments and hug your endo posts and generally know you in real life!

      Seriously though, I’m still keeping up with your page. Might even be buying a mug soon. : ) xoxo

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      1. I feel the same way! I want to like all the things whenever you comment. 🙂 And keep writing and smooshing and would LOOOOVE to meet one day in real life! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’d faint! xoxo

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  6. You’re in good company in the 35-club. Dubs, LongtermIVF, you, me, etc. are all 35. Thanks for being a teacher about the cauterization procedure. I’m glad you are treating yourself by ditching all the other fertility activities such as sipping red raspberry leaf tea and temping. I just read a testimony of a woman who battled a 12-year primary infertility sojourn and now has three miracle children. Another person on our corner of the internet has her miracle on the way after 9 years of primary infertility. In order an olive’s oil to flow, it has to to go through the shaking, the beating, and the pressing. You’ve gone through the shaking, beating, and pressing. Your greater is coming. (h/t Jekalyn Carr).

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