In the Trenches

trenches2

The blogs of those women who’ve had their miracle babies either grow stagnant or else morph into parenting blogs. I unfollow many infertility-turned-mommy blogs. To some women they’re a source of encouragement, but I’m not in a place where I can handle baby/parenting posts in my newsfeed. It’s not personal: we’ve all been there at one time or another.

It seems like most of the IF blogger women I’ve befriended have resolved, and I feel isolated. I begrudge no one her happiness in overcoming infertility. I also realize that many suffer from survivor’s guilt, and aren’t sure how to reconcile these two starkly different worlds. They don’t want to inadvertently cause pain to those of us in the trenches. They feel like they can’t relate anymore. And in a way, they can’t relate:  these women have moved from fellow infertility friends to “the others.”  Mothers. The connection that once bonded us together is lost, and our sojourns take differing paths.

While it can be daunting and lonely to realize I’m still in the thick of things, I keep a peace deep inside that it will ultimately be okay. If nothing else, the long experience of infertility has taught me to seek God in a different kind of way. It’s happened gradually. And I don’t mean seeking God in a “gimme” entitlement attitude, or as a magical genie to grant my personal requests. Instead, it’s caused me to search deeper for answers into what His plans are for my life. I’m learning to be content whether or not His plans include children. I have peace.

While I’m believing Him to make me a happy mother of children, if it doesn’t happen, that’s okay too. I don’t believe infertility is His perfect will for me, or for anyone. But it is something He’s allowed me to experience for purposes that I may not realize this side of heaven. Although the pain of childlessness isn’t assuaged by this, it does become more manageable. The impossible demands that I place on myself to get pregnant are truly above my pay grade; I hold no power. But I do maintain faith.

The point of this post? That I’m still here, still walking among these trenches, still awaiting my miracle, and still awaiting yours, too. When I come out on the other side, I promise not to make this a mommy blog. I will not forget.

Author: Marixsa

Resolving infertility as childless-not-by-choice and encouraging fellow endo warriors along the way.

14 thoughts on “In the Trenches”

  1. Please don’t feel isolated, know that at least for me I’m still here and listening, and hoping and praying for you to get your own miracle. I remember those trenches, even though I’m walking different ones now Xx hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re my example of what TO do after baby is born, how you linked to a new blog, but kept the old one too. I check in on your adventures as a mama now and then, bc I consider you a cyber buddy, plus I don;t have to unfollow your current IF adventures since they’re on a separate site! Comment to follow on your latest post. xoxo

      Liked by 2 people

  2. The feeling of being left behind is the worst. It is so isolating and painful plus added guilt of feeling that way. I am still here- praying and hoping for you.

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  3. Always thinking of you girly. I definitely understand this post. There is nothing easy about infertility. Every. Single. Day. You are reminded. No matter how hard you try. No matter what you do. And I know that feeling. Though my path was different than most, I never want to hurt anyone still battling with pictures or posts. I’ve tried to keep my blog “infertility” related as my goal is to help everyone reading finally become a mom….some way…some how. Lots of love sent to you my friend. xoxo

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    1. Thank you, I know you’ve been at this place too.

      I was actually thinking of you earlier, as this post’s first commenter (monika’s musings) is a women who’s currently a surrogate and it was interesting to peruse her blog and read about surrogacy from the other point of view. Thought I’d mention that if you’re interested in reading. xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m really sorry you feel like that and also if I have contributed to any further sadness. I never set out to write a “fertility blog”, nor did I expect for such a loving community to develop. I just like to write and I thought it would be helpful to me to get my feelings out there- I never really expected anyone else to read my words. So while I do continue to write, I mainly do it for me as a record and a kind of therapy, especially because I’m far away from my family. I don’t blame you at all for staying away from these types of blogs as I did the same thing too. Just know that I only wish for happier times for you and continue to send love your way. xx

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  5. I know you are still the trenches and I try not to forget how hard it is in there, I truly wish I can offer you the way out of them like right now. That’s why I started my other blog knowing I didnt want to hurt anyone still fighting IF. I truly admire you for your strength to not stop fighting. Wishing you lots of positivity your way.

    Liked by 1 person

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