Mom and Mothering

This week is the 35th anniversary of my mother’s death.

I thought about writing a nice memorial post for the anniversary; it seems important to not just let it slip by, unwritten.  Even though my mother has long passed, I’ve always maintained a sort of internal lifelong vigil for her.  But how to write the snippets of secondhand information that I have into a memorial for a person I never knew?  I put a lot of thought into what to say and drew just as many blanks.  I  mean, what I know of her can be written in only a few sentences.  After that, the main thing that surfaced were my own attitudes toward motherhood.

On My Mama:

From what I’ve pieced together of my mother, she was kindhearted, loyal, and loved us all a whole lot.  In pictures she was always beaming; vivacious is a good description.  A person who truly LIVED her life.

Her dream was to have 6 children and be a pastor’s wife and stay-at-home mom.  She had 4 of those 6 children and spent her entire marriage as a pastor’s wife and as a SAHM, so in some ways I think her dreams were fulfilled.

A form of cancer took her life at 30 years old.

I often wonder how my father, my siblings, and I would’ve turned out, had she lived…  How radically different each of our lives would be.

 

On Mothering:

I don’t often talk about my mother—in real life as well as on this blog.  Her death has always been a fact of my life so in a way I don’t particularly “feel” the loss.  Even so, I’ve always felt off kilter somehow: like there’s this universal mother thing that the rest of the world knows about, but I totally don’t get it.

This is a good place to mention that the words “mom,” “mommy,” “mothering,” and “motherhood” fundamentally upset me.  Hearing those words causes me to feel… slightly angry, actually.  I’ve never examined deeply the psychological reasons behind this—I suppose the reasons are fairly obvious.  But I have really terrible connotations of motherhood.  My therapist would have a lifelong client if I ever let her get into this subject with me!

That leaves the $65,00 question: Why do I want to be a mama (remember: not a mother, a mom, or a mommy)?  I question my own maternal desire: I’m adverse to the “M-word” and I haven’t a clue to how mama someone.  Is my wanting a baby a way to carry on her legacy?  a simple biological urge?  an effort to right a childhood wrong?  Un-fun thinking, this is.  Thinking to be put off for another day….

Sometimes I consider whether it’s been for the best that Jake and I haven’t had children.  I fear that some key element that it takes to be a mama is missing from me. I have a genuine concern that my mama style will be unfeeling, aloof, distant.  I must trust that mama-ing is instinctual, and that God will provide me whatever link is missing when my time comes.

These are my thoughts on motherhood—the real, ugly parts of it.

 

In Conclusion:  My mother loved Jesus with all her heart, and I’m confident that she is in Heaven with Him.  I hope that He allows her to glimpse down at our lives now and then; there’s no way to know this side of life if that’s true.

Those of you who’ve also lost a parent during infancy/childhood, know that you’re not alone; we may be a small club, but we’re not the only member.

Peace.

 

 

Author: Marixsa

Resolving infertility as childless-not-by-choice and encouraging fellow endo warriors along the way.

5 thoughts on “Mom and Mothering”

  1. “Sometimes I consider whether it’s been for the best that Jake and I haven’t had children.  I fear that some key element that it takes to be a mama is missing from me…”
    That whole paragraph right there was the realest thing I’ve ever read. I love how raw your writing style is. Thank you for sharing a little piece of your mind with us! I’m sorry about your mom ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

tuesdaynews

Pleasant words are as a honeycomb: sweet to the soul and health to the bones. - Proverbs 16:24

Childless by Marriage

In a society where most people have kids, some of us don't because our partners are unable or unwilling to make babies. That's what this blog and my book, Childless by Marriage, are about. Let's talk about what it's really like.

The joy in small things

Parenting and everything else after infertility

Thinking to Believe

An Oasis for Thoughtful Christians

Surprised By Marriage

Sharing the struggles an

The State Of Being Sober

Margot's Movement. A journey of sobriety and saying no to the Sauvignon. Once, and for all.

Discover WordPress

A daily selection of the best content published on WordPress, collected for you by humans who love to read.

Christine Seifert

Lady professor by day. Reader by night. Sometimes I write books.

The Good, The Bad and the Stuff Inbetween

This is a first hand account of my journey through IVF and life beyond

Sparkly With Endo

A journey to find my sparkle while living with endometriosis

Anne Brock

A Spiritual Journey Through Creativity

Michelle Lesley

Discipleship for Christian Women

infertilityhonesty

Childless Not By Choice Infertility Survivorhood

TheParalegal

Innovating for the Future

Pee on the sticks

a real IVF story

Tricia Thirey

Choosing Joy in Every Moment

The End Time

Exalting the name of Jesus through Christian essays

Cramping my Style

A 20 something girl suffering Endometriosis, documenting the glamour of day to day life with an invisible illness...

The Paralegal Society™

a forum created to educate, motivate and inspire paralegals to engage in the pursuit of excellence for all paralegalkind.

Colouring In My Life

From diagnosis to acceptance, with Endometriosis in between

Jesus and Coffee

Faith, family, beauty...we’ve got it all going on here!

Coffee Made Better

Stopping bad coffee.

straightmissteps.wordpress.com/

"In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." -Proverbs 3:6

InDevinsWords

Surviving with PCOS; my side of the story.

Waiting for the Bump

The Process of Starting a Family With the Help of Infertility

Rebecca’s World

Even miracles take a little time

cherrellemelton

Life as Mrs M 🌻💛

Ethical Grounds

The Unofficial Blog of Vermont's Bar Counsel

Journey of Restored Hope

Every person has a unique story to share and I would like to pass along my story in an effort to help others find hope in the darkest of places.

Tears in a Bottle

A safe haven for wounded hearts.

Insomnia Girl

and the Very Important Thoughts keeping her awake

Lallie Lee

Learning to Live Fearless

Boo Wholefoods

Eating the healthy way to keep endometriosis at bay.