A strange thing has happened: after our most recent loss, and despite its disappointment, Jake has been the one to step up the game of what seemed to be our rapidly-ending TTC sojourn.
Throughout all these years of TTC Jake has, of course, also wanted for us to have a child. He was a good sport, too: he was game about letting me change his shaving cream, deodorant, shampoo because of scary chemicals; he stopped putting the laptop directly on his lap and thereby causing his swimmers harm; he never gave me a hard time about spending a small fortune replacing every “unhealthy” item in our home with its TTC-friendly counterpart (of which there were many). He often accompanied me to doctor’s appointments. He administered all my IVF medications (perk of having a husband who’s also a nurse!). He was there for me emotionally throughout everything. Despite all of these things though, I still felt like something was missing on his end.
Throughout our sojourn, I’ve always sensed a slight distance from Jake about TTC stuff. I don’t mean he was outright disinterested—more like the heavy lifting was up to me. I didn’t resent him this, but I did feel a bit lonely in my TTC endeavor. Sometimes I felt as if Jake was just humoring me by going along with my ideas/requests/suggestions (okay, demands) to improve our chances of conception. Even after our second and third miscarriages, these nagging feelings lingered. This past year as I’ve begun embarking on the process of accepting childlessness, Jake didn’t resist as much as I’d (secretly) hoped he would.
But now Jake is different. Our most recent loss seems to have reinvigorated (or just straight up truly invigorated for the first time?) his desire to have a baby. He has a newfound pep in his step about TTC. Example: the other day, I found him reading my copy of It Starts With The Egg. He was all excited to add some new supplements to his diet to help with conception (his idea). He wants us to buy a bigger house so we have room for a child. Stuff like that.
I’m not complaining! Not in the least. I’m happily surprised by his change in perspective—I wasn’t expecting it. Even though it didn’t last, Jake has been encouraged by the fact that I got pregnant all on my own last month… well, not all on my own ha! That’s the first time a pregnancy has happened naturally for us since our first loss way back in 2002. Seventeen years is a very long time to not get pregnant. Not that we tried all seventeen of them… But I digress.
Despite my inching toward accepting life as CNBC, Jake’s newfound enthusiasm is rubbing off on me. I feel sad, yes, that we have experienced another loss, another “no,” another failure. It hurts and isn’t fair and all that stuff. And I’m still sticking my toes into the water of accepting life CNBC—that hasn’t magically ended because of a few weeks’ of his attitude change. At the same time, I don’t feel nearly as alone in TTC as I’ve felt for a long time now. Having a partner who’s equally (or more so!) invested makes a big difference in my level of determination and outlook.
I’ve made it no secret on this blog that my determination for TTC has been majorly on the decline for awhile now; as in, declining to the point of near-nonexistence. But now, a glimmer. A ray of sunlight in the storm. A reinvigorated approach. I thank God.