So Long, Farewell, I’m Thrilled to Say Goodbye (to 2019).

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It is currently evening on New Year’s Eve, and as I schlep sit here on the couch in my comfy clothes with a nice glass of red and Puppy by my side (can you say ‘party animal’?!), I can’t help but feel extremely grateful to be seeing the tail end of 2019.

Although I’m not usually one to classify an entire year as being either all-good or all-bad, I must say that the vast majority of 2019 has consisted of the latter. Hence, a big portion of my blogging absence this year, a problem which I plan to remedy in 2020.

For starters, I hope to take this blog in a new direction in the coming year, including moving it to a different URL. While it may have started nearly five years ago (what?! *gulp*) as an infertility blog, I feel strongly that that chapter in my life is closing. However, I still want to blog: about what exactly remains to be seen or to reveal itself.

To be perfectly honest, I’ve become disingenuous on my blog and for that I apologize. Truth be told, the whole infertility aspect of my life has begun to take a major backseat. I still follow other IF bloggers and have made some lovely Instagram friends via infertility and childless-not-by-choice tags, but I feel myself moving away the tenacious grip that failure to procreate has had on me.

One example of this dis-ingenuity? My marriage has had a horrible year in 2019. Like, in-the-gutter-type horrible. I’ll not expound on details here, but it’s been kind of hard to bemoan my childless state in 2019 when, throughout the first three quarters of the year, I worried strongly that I’d even have a husband with whom to try to procreate. Other examples include financial hardships, Jake’s unemployment for the majority of the year, us having purchased what was definitely the wrong home in the end of 2018, and a general loneliness and disconnect that has seemed to plague me for some time now. Oh yes, and that most recent miscarriage in the end of the summer… That was a hurt with which I still haven’t really dealt, as in the scheme of things this years it’s gotten lost in the shuffle. That sounds horrible, but in the name of being honest, let’s call things for what they have been. Sometimes it’s all we can do just to survive.

Lately life has taken turns for the better, albeit in baby steps. The pieces are fitting back together, and I’m trying very hard to be patient in that because I know no one’s life pieces ever fit perfectly.

Now, with all that depressing business out of the way, I have big plans for 2020! Although it’s a sure bet that I won’t be reinventing myself in the span of the next six hours and emerging as an entirely different person, I am gratefully anticipating the new year and new decade. Change—even the prospect of it—can be so refreshing.

For all those reading this who may have also had a difficult year, I emphasize and sit with you in the pain, even if your difficult circumstances were not something I directly experienced. And for those of you reading this who have had an excellent year overall, I pray nothing but the same, and better, for you in the coming year.

Cheers to 2020!

Peace. ❤

 

Author: Marixsa

Navigating the infertility waters and encouraging other mamas-in-waiting along the way.

11 thoughts on “So Long, Farewell, I’m Thrilled to Say Goodbye (to 2019).”

  1. oh that sounds so hard. I am always reluctant to share anything personal about my marriage on my blog but we’ve had some rough phases at different times over the years. I think it’s probably quite common when you’ve been together a long time.. I hope things get better for you on all fronts! Here’s to a great 2020! x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve been noticing lately that the more people share about their marriage struggles, the more people say, “Me too!” Not that we should all just air all our dirty laundry out there… just that sometimes it’s nice to know we’re not alone in crappy circumstances. I agree, being together for a long time it’s almost inevitable to hit bumps (or road blocks!).

      I know it’s like a month late, but Happy 2020 to you as well!

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  2. Hey, long time no comments from moi…just stalking you silently on and off 🙂 So I’ll write you a novella…

    My marriage was HELLA difficult this year as well and while there were bright spots, nothing like compounding loss to fuck with a relationship…not to mention almost never have sex because of it (his lack of interest, not mine) and the joy of perimenopause that means I’ll have no period for six months, bleed for three straight months, then just one period in the last quarter….and mood swings and hot flashes that echo the years of IVF shots in the arse. I never mention marital stuff on my blog because he and others I know used to read it and it was associated with my name. But I literally did not know (and sometimes still wonder) if this marriage was going to make it. Yet the alternative seems so lonely – and I’ve never been the kind who was afraid of loneliness. Maybe because my life is somewhere completely different – this spring will mark 3 years since our last failed treatment and next month will mark 6 months since we welcomed our boy then had him taken from our arms…and I can’t see straight, much less having an even emptier house.

    The other day I was watching Shall We Dance on Hulu and Susan Sarandon said this about marriage ” We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet… I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things… all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’.”” So I’m sticking around as best I can…and getting onto bioidentical hormones as it appears I have none left in my body and I don’t know if I can fight perimenopause alone.

    (PS I put my blog on private so it’s still there if you want to check it out, you just have to ask for permission and tell me what username you’re asking under so I know it’s you. I started a very vanilla one, belovedfarms.org, that’s public but it doesn’t talk about anything beyond farm life…my own way of talking about it while keeping the private one since it’s 10+ years old).

    I just read “Do you have kids? Life when the answer is no” by Kate Kaufmann and it was pretty good. I think I liked it because she just shared stories and brought up the particularly poignant concept that CNBC is not something that we can truly talk to one’s mother about since they’ve never been through it [PS- I was not a fan of Jody Day’s “12 weeks to getting over it” book or whatever it was called, that to me had some pretty offensive comments about it (like comparing coming out of the closet to talking about being childless, which was infuriating since the LGBTQ community not only has been through so much over the centuries than any of us straight folks, AND are not able to build families without assistance from a 3rd party) – and showed a lot of ignorance about things she’d never been through, like fertility treatments, surgeries and adoption attempts (she just got old), not to mention the title sounding like a fad diet (considering the grief of CNBC and all the losses that many of us have endured, is not linear and even if it fades, the triggers can last for years…last night I balled not at the loss of Thomas this summer, but at my long-ago-diagnosed infertility). Anyhow, I found out that Kate lives in my hometown so we are going to meet up in a couple weeks when I’m there. Strangely, when she and her husband stopped trying they also moved to the country to change their lives up…but are now no longer together. They just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m hoping our stories go differently, as damn I think we could both use a win.

    Yep okay so that was all about me, crap. I’m glad you are looking at 2020 with slightly new eyes, but no matter what? You do you. Share whatever you want. Do what your heart tells you to do. Have you listened to the podcast Life Childfree? https://livechildfree.com/thepodcast is the link – they are a couple who have been focused on moving away from the childless tag to childfree as a way to take back their life and not define themselves by that anymore, and they’re pretty funny and smart and cool as well.

    Anyhow, big hugs to you in this new year. Hope it’s off to a good start.

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    1. It’s all good, I’ll hit ya back with a return novella!

      First off, HOW DID I GET UNSUBSCRIBED FROM YOUR BLOG?! It’s good to hear from you! I’m glad to know you’re still out there in the Blog Lands. And absolutely no worries on not commenting, I’m a fellow social media stalker/non-commenter lol.

      I am literally reading (as in, I’m writing this on my lunch break and the book is sitting next to me on my desk) Kate Kaufman’s book! In fact, once I finish it I planned to write a post on the CNBC books I’ve read the last few months. That’s really cool you get to meet her IRL. I’d love to know how that goes (went? Sorry, you commented like forever ago and I only today [?] saw your comment).

      And I will def check out your new blog(s). Thanks for letting me know about the changes. I think my blog is going to officially move over to a CNBC blog very soon. I’m just trying to think up a decent name for it before getting the URL. Suggestions welcome, because I so much suck at coming up with good names.

      I’m so sorry that things have been tough for you in marriage. I will certainly keep you in my prayers. Infertility (and, dare I say, resolving CNBC too?) definitely doesn’t help to make things any easier in our marriages. It’s some hard stuff—all of it—with no easy or pat answers.

      Happy way-late 2020 to you as well!

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  3. I’m a bit slow to respond, but I fully agree with you about 2019. I refer to it as The Year of Shit Things Happening. I also completely relate to your comments about your marriage troubles. It was so kind of you to reach out to me when I offloaded on my own blog and so I want you to know that things have improved for me since then, I guess because some things resolved themselves (my husband got a new job) but also because I lost my shit one day and I think it made him realise he needed to work harder. You told me to “Please hang in there” and it was excellent advice. I hope that you can also hear your own words now and that they have meaning too. Sending love and good vibes for 2020. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Anytime: marriage can be some tough stuff at times. I’m so glad you and I have connected, even if it’s usually been over not-fun stuff. I’m so THRILLED to hear that things are resolving for you and your hubs! ❤

      Happy month-late 2020!

      Like

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