Things I’ll Never Try Again: Juicing Detox

I’m not one to fall for fad diets. Usually these kinds of trends are so transparent in their gimmickry that I laugh in their very face and wonder how people can so easily be duped. Paleo? Atkins? Raw food only? It Works? The Hcg diet (for realz, it’s an actual thing)? Psssh….  Everyone knows that these passing diet crazes are little more than mega money makers conjured up by some faceless corporate giant in order to make heaps of cash from unsuspecting consumers. Not me, though: I am exempt from falling for such blatant sales pitches. Right?

Wrong.

Because then… sigh….. BECAUSE THEN… I went online the other week and stumbled across the subject of raw juicing. It seems that turning produce into juice will apparently detox the body, provide natural energy, boost weight loss, and, in general, turn followers into Super Woman (or man, if you please). The more I read on the topic, the more juicing seemed worthy of a shot. In my ongoing quest to naturally overcome my infertility and prime my body to accept conception, a juicing detox seemed the next logical step. I mean, who doesn’t need a detox every now and then, fertile or otherwise? I failed to see how juicing could NOT be good for you. Onto that bandwagon I jumped, full speed ahead.

I decided to start slow with a three-day juice cleanse, which consists of 5 juices per day + 1 meal of fruits and/or veggies; the only beverages allowed are water and caffeine-free tea. Then I’d work my way up to a three-week cleanse followed by a month long cleanse. The whole concept was totally up my alley: I’m already a vegetarian, I own a juicer, and summer produce is at its peak right now. Perfect! Why not concoct weird liquid produce beverages in my spare time?

So I went out and bought all this:

produce
Glug glug.. bet this is making you thirsty!

 

Then I dug this guy out from storage in the far recesses of my basement:

juicer
This actually is a pretty wicked $50 juicer for the money. Just sayin.

 

I cleared off my kitchen counters and went to town! I juiced yummy juices:

orange
Not just pretty… tasty too!

 

…and dead nasty juices:

green
Ever wanted to know what drinking a bell pepper tastes like? Try one of these and wonder no more!

I hope this doesn’t ruin the ending for you: As you can probably tell from this post’s title, my plan didn’t work out too well. It didn’t take me long to begin wondering how someone could stand drinking this crap for three whole days, let alone three weeks or an entire month. Cause, man, I was strait up starving while I “cleansed!” I mean, like, seriously famished! And when I’m hungry I get cranky angry. And  missing consecutive meals plus sudden caffeine withdrawal are surefire migraine triggers for me. Not a good combo.

By the end of the first day I was hungry, irritable, hard core migraining, and fatigued. All told, I juiced four of the five recommended drinks and made it through exactly one of the three cleanse days. I’m not proud of the fact that I—as usual—plowed enthusiastically into some niche health idea, only to fizzle out in the end and not follow through. Nor am I proud of the fact that I actually briefly bought into the idea that drinking liquefied produce would somehow “cleanse” or “detox” my body. I guess we all fall from grace sometimes.

Silver Lining: There actually are some legit delish juicing recipes out there (caveat: I don’t recommend juices containing raw onions or peppers. Some things should never be drank. *shudder*). Since there’s no practical way I could cook all the produce I’d purchased before it turned, I’ve instead been making lemonade out of lemons—so to speak—and have begun juicing one juice each day as a midmorning snack at work. But as far as subsisting on juices and vegetables? Not so much. Everything in moderation, my friends.

Next up in the series of personal health fails: That time I went gluten free.