Am I Doing Enough?

woman-1207671_1280

I’m ending a multi-day bout of online infertility “research” feeling guilt-ridden.  Am I not doing enough to get pregnant naturally?  Each website contradicts the next: drink green tea, but avoid all caffeine.  drink warm drinks, but not hot or ice cold drinks.  eat fruit, but don’t eat raw food (should I be cooking my fruit??).

I’m overwhelmed.  Am I unwittingly turning my uterus into an inhospitable icy wasteland that shuns helpless embryos?  Am I causing my body to be nothing more than a land of inflammation and zig-zagging insulin levels?  Am I making endometriosis worse by drinking this cup of coffee?

Oh yes, coffee.  That vice I was all starry-eyed to give up last month.  Only today—on CD 11—am I finally putting my money where my mouth is.  Well, technically it’s still a work in progress: I had one cup of half-caff early this morning.  Currently I’m sitting at work staring at my office mug and resisting a very strong urge to brew my daily second cup of joe.

mug
My coffee mug, sans coffee.

An OPK sits nearby on my desk, waiting to be used on my next pee break. The perks of having the office to myself this week = leaving random OPKs on my desk and blogging from my office at 11 a.m.  Fertility consumes me even here.

20171129_103748
Just another day at the office.

When I read websites, articles, and books—which I do in abandon—about how to get pregnant, I walk away from them feeling like a selfish monster who isn’t doing everything possible to “prime” her body for pregnancy.  For optimal egg health maybe I should live off of seeds, quinoa, wheatgrass, and room temperature organic water.  Maybe I’m not trying hard enough.

The honest reality could be that the damage has already been done.  Look, I’m all for natural approaches to fertility and not heading strait to IVF; it works for many women.  But the fact is, I lived below optimum health for years…  YEARS!  Like, I ate crappy foods, barely exercised, and liberally drank alcohol.  I unknowingly basked in BPA, phthalates, and parabens.  So did Jake.

But here’s a fundamental difference: whatever damage Jake may have done to his swimmers by engaging in these activities isn’t forever.  Presto—his body just makes new ones, so his now-healthy lifestyle means his sperm are healthy too!  But I don’t have that luxury, my body isn’t making any new eggs.  Are a few years of progressively healthier living enough to undo a lifetime of exposure to Bad Things?  I wonder.

All of this culminates into excessive feelings of guilt.  Ate a piece of cake?  Ninety days until my eggs recover from the insulin spike!  Had a cup of coffee?  Just trashed my chances for conception this cycle!

While the rational, even-keeled part of me understands that balance is key to all things in life, another part of me—the part borne from my fertility “research”—tells me that I’m just making excuses.  That I’m too selfish to want to give up X, Y, and Z for my baby-to-be.  What kind of future mama am I anyway if I can’t sacrifice everything possible now?

Then I take a step back and remind myself that my life, my times, our season, our miracle—it’s all in God’s hands.  Not that that absolves me of responsibility to live right and do all that we can to achieve a pregnancy… because it doesn’t.  I usually dislike the expression, “Let go and let God, ” but right now it rings true.  I don’t want to make TTC into an idol.  I’ve done everything I know to get pregnant (or have I?? guilt, guilt, guilt….).  At some point, that needs to be enough and let faith step in.  At some point.  At this point.

ad-nauseum-1562850_1280

 

 

tuesdaynews

Pleasant words are as a honeycomb: sweet to the soul and health to the bones. - Proverbs 16:24

Childless by Marriage

In a society where most people have kids, some of us don't because our partners are unable or unwilling to make babies. That's what this blog and my book, Childless by Marriage, are about. Let's talk about what it's really like.

The joy in small things

Parenting and everything else after infertility

Thinking to Believe

A place where THINKING is believing

The State Of Being Sober

Margot's Movement. A journey of sobriety and saying no to the Sauvignon. Once, and for all.

Discover WordPress

A daily selection of the best content published on WordPress, collected for you by humans who love to read.

Christine Seifert

Lady professor by day. Reader by night. Sometimes I write books.

The Good, The Bad and the Stuff Inbetween

This is a first hand account of my journey through IVF and life beyond

Sparkly With Endo

A journey to find my sparkle while living with endometriosis

Anne Brock

Living in the Midst

Michelle Lesley

Discipleship for Christian Women

infertilityhonesty

Childless Not By Choice Infertility Survivorhood

TheParalegal

Innovating for the Future

Pee on the sticks

a real IVF story

Tricia Thirey

Choosing Joy in Every Moment

The End Time

Exalting the name of Jesus through Christian essays

Cramping my Style

A 20 something girl suffering Endometriosis, documenting the glamour of day to day life with an invisible illness...

The Paralegal Society™

a forum created to educate, motivate and inspire paralegals to engage in the pursuit of excellence for all paralegalkind.

Colouring In My Life

From diagnosis to acceptance, with Endometriosis in between

Jesus and Coffee

Faith, family, beauty...we’ve got it all going on here!

Coffee Made Better

Stopping bad coffee.

straightmissteps.wordpress.com/

"In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." -Proverbs 3:6

InDevinsWords

Surviving with PCOS; my side of the story.

Waiting for the Bump

The Process of Starting a Family With the Help of Infertility

Rebecca’s World

Even miracles take a little time

cherrellemelton

Life as Mrs M 🌻💛

Ethical Grounds

The Unofficial Blog of Vermont's Bar Counsel

Journey of Restored Hope

Every person has a unique story to share and I would like to pass along my story in an effort to help others find hope in the darkest of places.

Tears in a Bottle

A safe haven for wounded hearts.

Insomnia Girl

and the Very Important Thoughts keeping her awake

Lallie Lee

Learning to Live Fearless

Boo Wholefoods

Eating the healthy way to keep endometriosis at bay.