2020 So Far: A New Direction

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Courtesy of Pixabay

For months now, I’ve intended on joining the army of bloggers who faithfully post each week. It was even one of my 2020 resolutions!  But, one month into the new year, I haven’t been able to make it happen.

Until this week.

That’s my goal this year: to post weekly.

My blog has been dying a slow death the past couple of years, despite my earnest intentions to keep it updated. I’ve never been a huge social media poster to begin with (though I do stalk it on the regular). This blog feels different than social media in a way, but I’m not sure if it is indeed different. Throughout the course of my days something will often happen that causes me to think, “I should blog about that!”… but then I never do. Maybe it’s the effort required, since I’m not quickly posting a pic with a cute caption and moving along like most social media. Blogs take more thought, more intention, more planning. More work.

Through a long—and still continuing—process, I have moved on from the Trying to Conceive world to the Childless Not by Choice world. I’m still new to CNBC, and don’t yet have both feet firmly planted in it because I harbor some reluctance to completely let go of TTC. Is that due to stubbornness? Fear? Worry that I’ve given up too soon? Maybe it’s all three.  From what I can tell so far, the TTC world is a kind of subset of the general (fertile-aged) society. The CNBC world is a subset of that subset, and its defining lines are very blurry.

Since all of that is going on in my life, I’ll be making some changes to this blog in the coming months. So stay tuned! Among other things, I want to move to a new paid URL without losing content or subscribers, and also change the blog’s name. I plan to do more posting on exploring life CNBC and less with TTC, if anything at all. As for endometriosis, well I think I’ll always be blogging about that, because it’s the foundation of how I landed here in the first place! I do have a few upcoming posts in mind, so please, everyone, hold me to it to post weekly.

Until next time,

Peace. ❤

So Long, Farewell, I’m Thrilled to Say Goodbye (to 2019).

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It is currently evening on New Year’s Eve, and as I schlep sit here on the couch in my comfy clothes with a nice glass of red and Puppy by my side (can you say ‘party animal’?!), I can’t help but feel extremely grateful to be seeing the tail end of 2019.

Although I’m not usually one to classify an entire year as being either all-good or all-bad, I must say that the vast majority of 2019 has consisted of the latter. Hence, a big portion of my blogging absence this year, a problem which I plan to remedy in 2020.

For starters, I hope to take this blog in a new direction in the coming year, including moving it to a different URL. While it may have started nearly five years ago (what?! *gulp*) as an infertility blog, I feel strongly that that chapter in my life is closing. However, I still want to blog: about what exactly remains to be seen or to reveal itself.

To be perfectly honest, I’ve become disingenuous on my blog and for that I apologize. Truth be told, the whole infertility aspect of my life has begun to take a major backseat. I still follow other IF bloggers and have made some lovely Instagram friends via infertility and childless-not-by-choice tags, but I feel myself moving away the tenacious grip that failure to procreate has had on me.

One example of this dis-ingenuity? My marriage has had a horrible year in 2019. Like, in-the-gutter-type horrible. I’ll not expound on details here, but it’s been kind of hard to bemoan my childless state in 2019 when, throughout the first three quarters of the year, I worried strongly that I’d even have a husband with whom to try to procreate. Other examples include financial hardships, Jake’s unemployment for the majority of the year, us having purchased what was definitely the wrong home in the end of 2018, and a general loneliness and disconnect that has seemed to plague me for some time now. Oh yes, and that most recent miscarriage in the end of the summer… That was a hurt with which I still haven’t really dealt, as in the scheme of things this years it’s gotten lost in the shuffle. That sounds horrible, but in the name of being honest, let’s call things for what they have been. Sometimes it’s all we can do just to survive.

Lately life has taken turns for the better, albeit in baby steps. The pieces are fitting back together, and I’m trying very hard to be patient in that because I know no one’s life pieces ever fit perfectly.

Now, with all that depressing business out of the way, I have big plans for 2020! Although it’s a sure bet that I won’t be reinventing myself in the span of the next six hours and emerging as an entirely different person, I am gratefully anticipating the new year and new decade. Change—even the prospect of it—can be so refreshing.

For all those reading this who may have also had a difficult year, I emphasize and sit with you in the pain, even if your difficult circumstances were not something I directly experienced. And for those of you reading this who have had an excellent year overall, I pray nothing but the same, and better, for you in the coming year.

Cheers to 2020!

Peace. ❤

 

Photo Walk: Newtown, Pennsylvania

*Note: Non [in]fertility post. I need a break from the madness.

This month I participated in my first ever Photo Walk. After learning about Photo Walks from fellow endo warrior Lisa over at Bloomin’ Uterus, I just knew I had to sign up for one. They’re free, open to anyone, and held in cities, towns, and countries all over the place. A Photo Walk is a group of people who meet up for a couple of hours to take photographs of an agreed upon area. Attendees can take pics with fancy cameras, digital cameras, old school cameras, cell phone cameras… there’s no real rules.

Now I’m no photographer, and all I can claim as a bona fide camera is a decade-old digital model, but I do love taking pictures. So I figured why not?! Someday sooner than later though I would like to buy a nice camera. I really enjoy photography and definitely want to develop it into an actual hobby (see what I did there?).

My Photo Walk location choices came down to either Philadelphia or Newtown, Pennsylvania, which is a tiny suburb about 40 miles north of the city. I chose Newtown since I live in Philly and kind of see it all the time. I’d only been to Newtown once before and remembered it as being very charming and quaint. An afternoon of strolling and photographing far away from the hustle and bustle sounded lovely.

When I arrived to meet with my fellow Photo Walkers I was slightly disappointed. There were a dozen of us and, at 35, I was by far the youngest person there. (Silver lining: no babies or preggos!)  Our walk guide handed us maps of the historical area where we’d be photographing and off we went exploring, cameras in hand!

A few people—the professional types with their fancy lenses and camera bags—dropped out after only a few blocks. I have to admit, I too bailed halfway through because my group was moving so slowly and everyone seemed vaguely uncomfortable. But I did get to see several historical spots, meet some nice people, and enjoy an overpriced almond milk latte from an adorable cafe. That said, in the future I might sign up for a walk in a bigger city after all; maybe even stay for the entire walk next time.

Here’s some pics from my Photo Walk. You can click on any pic to enlarge it. As you can see, for reasons unknown even to myself I seem to have a penchant for taking pictures of doors… And if you look really closely, you might even catch a glimpse of yours truly (unintentionally) reflected in one of them.

Enjoy!