Left of Center

First off, I just want to say how much I love you guys and that you all seriously rock! I had  some questionable feelings last week about this whole IVF thang. But within mere minutes of my Debbie-downer post, you guys sent so much encouragement my way—from across the city, across the country, and even across the pond! I haven’t personally responded to your many awesome comments, but please know they meant the world to me and lifted my spirit. I think I’m in a better place this week.

One thing I didn’t mention in my last post was the intense left-sided pubic/groin pain I’ve regularly had since my transfer. Dr. C was concerned enough about it last week that I ended up with an unexpected pelvic exam and ultrasound, which—much like planets orbit a sun—showed seven nasty looking cysts surrounding my ovary. Even crazier, the formation of the cysts on the u/s screen looked just like those Scream masks you can purchase at any Halloween costume store:

screammask

I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

While having functional cysts after stimming isn’t that uncommon (or so I found out the hard way. Note to new IVF-ers: no one warns you of this), having so many of them apparently is. Who knew that one could fit seven cysts in her pelvic area?! The lowdown is that a growing uterus coupled with multiple cysts take up a lot of space, all in an area where everything’s pretty condensed to begin with. Since there’s no room for everyone to fit nicely and get along, the cysts are pushing down onto my groin/pubic area. Combined with the vaginal area pain that Crinone can cause, it’s become the perfect cystic cocktail. Cheers!

Today’s u/s scan showed the same face-shaped cysts, albeit smaller. Dr. C assures me that the cysts will take “awhile” to disappear completely, but they WILL eventually go away on their own.

Today I had my third beta. My hcg level has jumped in one week from 214 to 2,102. I also has an ultrasound to see where things stand. I could see the black spec of the gestational sac on the u/s screen and it was all very exciting to me. Dr. C kept measuring and re-measuring one particular area though. He’s concerned that the embryo has implanted “very slightly off center” (his words). He wants to keep an eye on this. He also couldn’t see the yolk sac within the gestational sac. The sac itself measured at the size of a 5w1d sac; I’m currently 5w4d. Unfortunately I have to return in two days for follow up u/s. When my nurse called to give me the stats for today, I grilled the poor girl about the meaning of all these things for a good ten minutes. She assured me that a lot can change in two days. It’s still so early, sometimes I think they shouldn’t even be doing ultrasounds this early in.

One step forward, two steps back.

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Beta Day

2poshptdigThe results are in! Beta #1 was this morning—BFP! Booya! My hcg level was 58.4. Currently I’m 9dp5dt (or, on a natural cycle, 14dpo). I return to the clinic on 13dp5dt for my second beta. Various online forums assure me that the results of a second beta are even more important than the first beta.

Confession time: I already knew.

Yeah, yeah, I know I said before that I wouldn’t test early or symptom count. And honestly, I did NOT symptom count. But therein lies the problem: I had no symptoms (thank you, Crinone). With no symptoms to obsess over, well, life became boring and the wait seemed so eternal, and well….

I caved.

On 5dp5dt, I tested: BFN. On 6dp5dt, I tested again: another BFN. Seeing those single lines were a bummer, but I knew it was still very early. At best, it proved no false positives from a leftover trigger shot hcg.

All this changed on the morning of 7dp5dt though. Because that test? It had a faint line! So, since I clearly had nothing better to do with my time, I dutifully drove like a wildwoman to Walmart and bought four more brands of tests just to be sure, and saw even more faint lines the same morning.  (*Incidental side note: The chick at the register who rang up my multiple boxes of HPTs was very visibly pregnant herself. I didn’t realize this when I initially got in her line. She finished ringing me up and, as I was leaving, smiled and said, “Good luck! I wish you lots of baby dust.” Ahh, a fellow TTC-er! Because, seriously, who in real life uses the term “baby dust” like it’s a totally normal thing to say? She completely made my day.*)   In the p.m. I got a stronger line on the FRER and a “positive” on the Clearblue. Rinse and repeat, you get the idea…. I’ve taken no less than twelve HPTs in the last 48 hours and every single one of them has been a BFP.

When my nurse asked me at this morning’s beta whether I had tested at home, I casually replied, “Nope. I held out.”

I’m not sure why I lied. Maybe I was expecting a lecture. Maybe I still wanted to keep this thrilling secret something that was all mine. Maybe I wanted her to feel like she would be giving me genuinely unexpected good news when she called me with the results. Who knows.

Happy news. Terrifying news. In 4 years of TTC and 12 years of marriage and 33 years of life I have never seen before seen two lines. Ever. Not even on my m/c because I didn’t even know when it happened that I was preggers. There’s a small army of used HPTs under our bathroom cabinet that I can’t bear to throw away.

As my new Walmart friend says, “Baby dust to you all.”