After Infertility

I’ve dreaded writing this post for months. Even though in early 2020 I’d promised to keep this blog up to date, I’ve instead found myself straight up not wanting to post at all. But as we near the end of this very strange year, I’ve managed to guilt myself into posting something. So here it is.

I’ve come a long way in the nearly six years since starting The Endo Zone. The girl who was once so eager to “overcome” (huge air quotes there) infertility and have a baby is long gone. I’ve spent nearly all of my thirties trying to get (and stay) pregnant; barring an act of God, having a child likely isn’t in my future. After a very long and bumpy mental battle, I’m okay with that fact. And the girl who was once so adamant about “managing” (insert more air quotes) her endometriosis and find a doctor worth his salt has been replaced by a more realistic woman who realizes, after twenty-plus doctors, that it just ain’t gonna happen.

When it comes to infertility, my interest is waning. No, wait, it’s not just waning: it’s virtually gone. I’m barely concerned about all-things-fertility these days. I mean, I do care in a way, just not in the same way and to the same degree that I used to care. This applies only to myself: of course I still care about all my friends in Infertility Land! You guys (well, gals) are the reason this blog hasn’t totally died. Yet.

As to endometriosis, what haven’t I already said? I’m hoping for a full hysterectomy in the spring with the renowned Dr. Seckin. After my hysterectomy, the infertility will obviously no longer be an issue. And because Dr. Seckin is so, so very good, I’m hoping the endometriosis won’t be an issue anymore either. No one can say for certain— even the top endo doc in the country (and possibly the world; no joke)— but I have high hopes in him. I’m fortunate to live within a 90-minute drive of Dr. Seckin and to finally have insurance that’ll pay toward his insanely high fees. Otherwise, treating with him would remain one of my pipe dreams.

And isn’t that statement just so telling of the so-called “health care” system that, bewilderingly, continues to exist here in the USA? That a person must refinance her house, take out extensive loans, and take loads of time off of work, just for a chance to be able to be treated properly for endometriosis — all because evil health insurance corporations think endo as a minor ‘reproductive disorder’? It disgusts me on such a deep level. I could start an entire blog on that topic alone!

Instead, with many mixed emotions, I’m thinking about ending The Endo Zone. I feel that its purpose has been fulfilled. In a sense, keeping this blog is also keeping myself stuck in a world in which I no longer wish to remain. I don’t want to box myself into a black-and-white mindset of “Those Who Have Kids” vs. “Those Who Don’t Have Kids” and view my life through that narrow prism. With that said, starting a post-infertility, childless-not-by-choice blog isn’t something I’m motivated to do either. Should I change my mind, I’ll post a link to any new blog that I may create. No absolutes here.

Otherwise, I think this post may be my last The Endo Zone post ever. Or if not ever, at least the last one for awhile. If you don’t hear from me again on this space, find me on Instagram (link here).

It has been my absolute pleasure to have shared this space with you over the last nearly six years. Many of you have resolved with your child(ren) and have moved onto life post-infertility. Like me, a few of you have not and will not. Some of you are still trying for your child. Wherever you are on the spectrum of fertility-infertility and/or endometriosis management, I wish you the very best. I know the road is not for the faint of heart.

Peace.

~ Marixsa

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